“Compromises Are For Relationships, Not Wine.” ~Sir Robert Scott Caywood
Let’s Blog Over Wine…
I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. I have been super busy getting ready for baby, and dealing with some things so unfortunately I didn’t write blog posts for the past couple of days.
I’m wearing my favorite cloud socks and drinking some Fre and trying not to squash IV.
Pour up. Let’s dig in…
Food & Wine
What’s on your 4th of July menu this year?
I’m not celebrating 4th of July this year. I can care less about red, white, or blue. What I care about is Breonna Taylor’s murderers being arrested.
Can you post the recipe for the sea bass you cooked?
Sure thing. I’ll get that up next week.
Can you link your water bottle for water intake? I like that it’s not huge and easy to carry.
I really like it too. You can get it here.
I’m having a picnic and wasn’t sure about what wines to buy. Any suggestions?
It’s summer so depending on what you pack I’ll go for whites and rosés. I did a post on rosé here if you need suggestions.
What are you favorite seasonal ingredients to cook during summer?
I love asparagus, beets, all the berries. Tomatoes, mushrooms, anything citrus. So many fun things you can do with these ingredients.
Are you wearing maternity clothes?
I am not wearing maternity clothes. My day to day is pretty busy, and I’m really active with all the walking I’m doing. I just wear leggings, sweatpants or t-shirts. I wear a lot of slip dresses as well.
Can I just say that I love that even while pregnant you wear crop tops?! You’re killing the fashion game with your bump. Where did you get your gold pants? That went well with your crop top and perfect belly!
Thank you!! You can snatch those up here. I am currently obsessed with Brazilian designer Camila Coelho. I’ve bought pretty much everything she’s put out this summer.
Stilettos while pregnant?! Girl you’re everything! Can you drop the link for those sandal feather heels?
I’ll rock stilettos until I can’t, lol. You can get those beauties here!!! Super obsessed with these.
Can you link your white cloud socks? I’m obsessed with those.
I’m pretty obsessed too! I got them in almost every color. You can get them here.
Where do you find these pieces? You just come through dripping! Can you link your gold Nefertiti necklace?
Hahaha! I like finding new designers and buying things no one else has. The designer of this necklace is from a black owned business. I got this necklace in 16″, 24K Gold. You can get you one here.
Baby | Family | Friends
What kind of rich shit are you and your friends on? Jermain roasted the shit out of you and Ralph. Who buys a $2500 car seat as a gift? As a matter of fact is Jermain Gilbert single? What did he mean when he said hit him up if you need escape documents??? I think I need some, lol. If he’s not is Wish Boo? I need some Yeezy’s! Drop they insta’s, lol!
LMAO! Man he roasted us! Jermain is married. Ralph and his family kind of harassed Jermain and he doesn’t understand why so he’s not a fan. I was shocked he got that car seat for IV as a gift. He definitely deserved his own post after that! Jermain is someone who has always had my back and helped me A LOT when I was younger. We had a deal. I help you but it better not affect me in the long run. That deal was true until Ralph… I don’t know if “Wish Boo” is single. That’s my friend. Slide into his DM’s girl! lol.
Quatro not even here yet and his wardrobe costs more than everything I own. But WHOOOOO is Wish Boo??? The dude who got IV his custom linens though!!! I stared at your story for 30 minutes, lol. I need you to drop IG names.
LMAO!!! Lord ya’ll blew my DM’s UP regarding Wish Boo. LOL. I grew up with him. He’s a close friend of mine. He is just a friend. If you want to find them I’m following them both on IG. You can go stare at them all day, lol.
IV’s wolf hat is SO CUTE!!! This baby has a fur hat from Russia and he’s not even here yet. LORD!!! I can’t wait to see #SwaggyQuatro. BUT where is he wearing that hat?
We’re going to Alaska, lol. We gotta go see the fam bam. So he needs that hat.
Girl Skylar is BEAUTIFUL! How tall is she? Skylar being signed to IMG models is HUGE. But your cousin is signed to Wilhelmina!!! Both of them together are DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Is your whole family full of baddies? Are they on Instagram. I’m here for ALL THAT BLACK GIRL MAGIC!
Thank you! We are so excited for Sky and Ari! Skylar is 5’10. For the most part we def have some lookers over in the DNA Gene Pool. There’s some questionable ones though, lol. Skylar is only 14 and Ari is 18 now. Our hope is for them to do that Naomi Campbell strut together though. Thank you for supporting them.
You told your story of recently dealing with emotional and physical abuse. I have to say that you and your friends helped me so much with your stories. I admire women that have stepped forward and have told their stories. I currently have just left my husband due to the same thing. Do you have any advice for me? How have you two moved on from your issues? What made you share something so personal? Were you able to forgive? What impact does has this had on your pregnancy? What impact has this had on your family and friends? What have you learned from this experience? What support advice do you have?
You know… one thing I’ve always been with my readers and anyone in general is transparent and honest. I really debated answering this because some things are personal and I’m not always willing to share. After speaking with a friend of mine -I found the courage to use my voice and share my story in hopes that it would help others. She really felt it was important especially because I was pregnant.
A rule I’ve always lived by with Ralph is never talk bad about your husband. To anyone. Ever. Then I realized that wasn’t helping me at all especially when he wasn’t following that rule or being honest about me.
I found out my husband was having an affair in January of this year. With a flight attendant. It shattered my world. Caused a miscarriage. Not to mention I was in complete shock. What’s worse is that he used God and the Bible to try and justify it. I thought I knew him well. I mean after almost a decade of being with someone you believe you know them. He knew every single thing about me. I found out that this girl knew all about me, but I knew nothing about her. He even lied about her name. He told me she knew he was married, and that she entertained a relationship with him. That she caught feelings for him, and that his only goal was to get her to join this bible study. A bible study I later found out was a cult. He said none of the feelings she felt were reciprocated and compared his relationship with her to a stray dog on the street. He also said he thought it was manageable, but he knew I was getting suspicious. He never thought or realized it was an affair until we were in Atlanta in late January, and I found out EVERYTHING! We got into the biggest fight. Ralph and I don’t fight, so for us to be fighting is kind of a big deal. He lied on so many people throughout this entire ordeal, and he hurt so many people who considered him family, and/or a friend and loved him as I did. He was confronted and called out and that was one of the main reasons he wanted to leave Houston. He wanted me to quit my job. Cut off my family and friends and relocate. I had come to find out that his entire persona was a facade. Literally an amalgamation of lies and fake projected personalities that he used to deceive and live a complete double life and hide his rotten core. Like telling his side one thing and telling me something completely different. Coming home being all over me to telling his mistress he was single, separated, and living alone. Asking me to find our dream house so we can purchase it this year, to finding out he was looking for an apartment with his family. Double life… When confronted about it he said none of it was true. When his friend called him out on it for telling him what he was doing he said ‘You misunderstood.’
It’s frightening to think that someone who claims to love you more than anything in this world – whom you know so intimately and have given everything to can be so cruel, selfish, and destructive. You have to be so out of touch with yourself to inflict this level of trauma on another person. Especially one you claim to love.
My husband is an expert at playing a charming character. Lying pathologically and everyone around him fell for his rouse and believed he was the great man he portrayed to be. Myself included. The truth about who he was and the double life he was leading finally revealed itself and he became a childish coward. He admitted to being a coward. He later tried to deflect blame for all of his disturbing behavior and threw around insults and lies. He went as far as bringing God into his reasonings behind being an adulterer.
He pleaded he wanted me, and this marriage. When I asked him why I would stay with someone who’d treat me like that his response was “I figured once I got you married I’d do what I want and you’d be here and deal with it because you are my wife.” It went completely downhill from there. I started saving all emails, all text messages, voicemails, everything. He realized what I was doing and was not very happy. He started hiding things after that. He tried to delete the nasty emails his mother sent – including trying to convince him to join a singles group a week before we got married. He didn’t realize that I’d backed up everything including voicemails from his mistress. Why did he lie so much? He said he didn’t know. He just does. He can’t be honest and it caused tons of issues.
His family… Nightmare. Some people grow up in households that involved parents or a parent being more concerned about public perception than what’s actually going on behind closed doors. So basically his mom and her kids are psychopaths that use the Bible to manipulate, judge and are super hypocritical. Ralph never wanted to be like his parents or siblings and definitely didn’t want our children growing up the way he did. I am glad to say that IV won’t. He, however, turned into them and he hated when I said that, but it’s the truth. When a narcissist has supporters that know what he’s doing and know he’s being abusive towards you and they support or remain friends with this person, they are toxic. Plain & Simple. That’s exactly what he and his family is.
My Family & Friends: They are over him and his lies. It’s something I try to tread lightly about because so many people have a strong dislike and hate for Ralph because of his actions. Some believe he’s a true sociopath and psycho. Then there’s some who just think he’s a sad case.
Aside from hurting me he hurt Skylar and Aven most. They loved him. He hurt them. No remorse. That’s Ralph’s heart. That’s who he is. At the same time why would be care when he doesn’t care about his own flesh and blood??! You feel me?
Have I healed? It’s a slow process. You don’t spend almost a decade with someone and just stop loving or caring about them overnight. More importantly he’s the father of my son. Has he been supportive throughout my pregnancy? No. He’s what you’d call a stereotype of what people think a black man is. A deadbeat. He was recording Youtube cooking videos for his mistress while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. For my son’s life. Has his family been supportive? No. They’re just as worse. Has he healed? I don’t know. I know he’s selfish and all about himself. What should matter doesn’t, and what doesn’t matter, does. Do I care? Not really. Not anymore. I’m focused on myself and my son. The only time I reach out to him is to update him about our son. That’s it. Does he care about the baby? No. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’ll say that. A woman that wants to be with a married man with a pregnant wife… Well… That’s trifling. Whatever floats your boat.
At the end of the day these are all things that he will need to live with. He’s a man. He’s a father. He knows what he’s done and what he continues to do. There’s no way of justifying his actions. What he’s done is unforgivable and in no way a reflection of the Godly man he portrays to be. It’s his life though… If that’s how a Faithful, Godly man is these days then I’m straight not having him.
I love my husband very much, but there’s a difference between being a good wife – a good woman that serves and answers to your husband, and then being a doormat. I am NOT a doormat. I’ve helped him. I’ve uplifted him. I’ve supported him in every way you can imagine. I’ve loved him just as much. As he said… I was the perfect wife to him. He just didn’t think about the consequences of his actions, and it’s a hell of his own creation and something he has to live with for the rest of his life. His words. My son… will NEVER grow up in that way. He will be raised the way we discussed.
I used to be ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated by his actions, but as my close friends and family says – NO! You should not. He should. He is NOT a man. I was manipulated. Gas lighted and conned out of tens of thousands of dollars. I do not hear from him, and I receive zero physical, emotional, nor financial care or support from him. Same thing goes for my pregnancy. Going through this has sent my stress levels through the roof and caused complications with my pregnancy.
- The first thing I’d say is understand and recognize what abuse and toxicity looks like in any relationship whether that be your friends, family, or your partner. Recognize and get out.
- Don’t jump into another relationship. That is not healing. You really have to take time for yourself. For me, taking time to focus on me has been a blessing and a bit of a curse, lol. But I’ve never been one to jump into a relationship. I heal first. You have to heal.
- Seek Counseling: I’ll just say that my doctors are shocked I haven’t hurt myself or have ended up in a mental ward. As I stated before they didn’t even give me a trauma questionnaire because they immediately recognized that I suffered from six severe traumas at the hands of my husband. To give you an idea… a person can go through one severe trauma and can barely manage and 9 times out of 10 they don’t. I had six. It’s a slow, heartbreaking, emotional process, but seeking help is so critical to moving forward and healing. Talk to God. Pray.
- Surround yourself with people that love you. I gotta say… some of my friends and family had me fucked up, lol. They wanted me to forgive and work things out with my husband. I get it. Marriage is so important and not something you just toss. They had my best interest at heart, and I know they love me. I also know they want me to be happy and they want Quatro to be a happy baby as well. Being surrounded by my friends and family who are honest and true to the game has been such a blessing throughout all of this.
- Document EVERYTHING. I can’t say this enough. Document everything. If you decide to divorce, or whatever path you choose have it just in case you need it. You will be torn apart and made to look so bad, and if you’re documenting things you have that to defend yourself and show what it really is… Unless you are in fact just crazy, lol.
- Remember that you are love, light, valued, beauty, strength, grace, and above all God’s Child.
The interior decorating in your brothers home that you did is nothing short of amazing. How did you choose the theme for his home? More importantly WHERE HE AT? Why is he never home?!
Blue is either working or in South America. I gotta take care of my brothers crib when he’s out. It’s three stories so man it’s a lot. I wanted something that was dark, and manly. Sensual, and sexy. His place is a whole vibe.
What’s your home vibe?
I like big windows, bright walls, neutrals with a splash of color. I’m really into natural lighting so wherever I live that is so important to me. The kitchen is the focus of the home for me because I’m always cooking or entertaining.
I’m looking for wallpaper that will pop. Do you have a place that you recommend?
I love wall paper!!! This is my favorite spot for wallpaper. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for.
I’m obsessed with those wooden spoons you have. Can you share where you got them?
Sure! I have these!
Can you link IV’s (Quatro’s) Map to pin his future travel destinations? That is so neat!!
Isn’t it so cool? I thought it would be such a neat idea for his room, and to document his future travels. I can’t wait to get his passport. We have so many places to go and people to go see. You can get it here.
I love that you put the Armor of God over your little cousin before he went outside to play. Can you share what you said again?
When I was little my mom would pray over us and she made absolutely sure we read our bible. She put the Armor of God on us before we left the house. We teach it to all the littles. They need to know, lol. Okay so you have the following:
- Helmet of Salvation
- Breast Plate of Righteousness
- The Belt of Truth
- The Sandals of The Gospel of Peace
- Pickup The Shield of Faith
- Grab your Sword which is your word.
- Then we go forth in the Name of Jesus!
Girl you know the GOSPEL! I swear I got chills when you dropped those biblical gems. Has faith been a guiding force for you?
Yes and no. When I hit those early 20’s… probably before that I was completely off track and would say I definitely didn’t put my faith up there as a priority. I found my way back in my mid 20’s. I want to be a reflection of the love Jesus had when he died on the cross for us. It made me a better person. Definitely made me a good wife. I knew to answer to my husband and serve him, while serving my God. It makes me conscious of doing the right thing. Am I being good to people? Am I serving my community? I believe in the power of prayer, and I want my blessings and the good I do in my generation to extend to my future children in the future.
I’m interested in your Faith Journey. You really blew my mind when you broke down the Bible and unexpectedly preached a mini sermon with your friends. I think it was something that was unexpected from a lot of people that may not know you. So my question is how do you respond to your faith critics.
I wasn’t trying to do that, but I got frustrated. I was like what? WTF are you saying? It really shocks people that I know the Bible like that. I don’t think they expect it. I grew up really catholic though, and the Bible was something my mom made us study daily. We always went to church. To be honest though I’m not walking around saying “Hi! I’m Ralijah. Jesus is my savior.” I find a lot of so called christians to be nasty and very ugly. My In Laws and are prime example, lol.
In response to my faith critics I’ll put it like this – I’m not trying to represent the perfect christian or be someones idea of a perfect christian. No one is perfect. I mean if you don’t agree with me pray for me, then pray for yourself for being so damned judgmental. Last time I checked we were all a work in progress, and it just shows me that you aren’t a reflection of Jesus if you’re attacking others, their walk of life, and judging what they do or what they don’t do. However, if you’re going to correct or reprimand someone you should do it with love.
Some people are against sex before marriage, drinking wine, or listening to trap music. Some people… it doesn’t affect their world with Christ and for others it does. It’s about your heart and your relationship with Christ. What you talk about with Jesus has nothing to do with me. I’m on my own path and you’re on yours.
At the end of the day my sex life is my business. I’m drinking those fermented grapes, and when I’m done with my morning devotional I will be mobbing through the streets. So quite frankly everybody needs to join Mind Your Business Ministries and see that’s where the love of Christ is. Just remember to do everything with love.
How do you deal with social media and haters? I must say your clap back game is ON POINT!
I always remind myself that Jesus had haters. Frankly if they don’t know me I don’t take it personal. If they do know me I don’t take it personal. I really don’t be caring…